0303 says on the House floor that "I believe, as we stand on the abyss tonight, for those Americans who are wont to turn to God for answers that this is a time to be doing that, to ask for his help, supernaturally, so that we don't make this fatal step pushing our nation into socialized medicine"

0407 arrested by air marshals aboard UA 663 from Washington to Denver after attempting to smoke in the bathroom and, when questioned about the smell, quipping that he was trying to light his shoes on fire

0127 raises eyebrows by shaking his head scornfully and saying "not true" during the State of the Union address after Barack Obama criticizes the Citizens United ruling

0114 suggests "Second Amendment remedies," i.e., shooting people, as a way "to turn this country around"

0125 tells right-wing radio host Bill Manders that victims of rape and incest who become pregnant should be forced to carry the fetuses to term because "God has a plan"

0525 tells KRNV that "we really have spoiled our citizenry" by offering (extremely limited) unemployment insurance

0602 tells KDWN that unemployment insurance is "a terrible thing"

0608 wins Republican nomination with 40% of the vote to Sue Lowden's 26% and Danny Tarkanian's 23%

0615 makes first appearance on Capitol Hill, then literally runs away from reporters to avoid having to answer any questions

0617 asked by CBS reporter Nathan Baca about her desire to eliminate Social Security and the Environmental Protection Agency, sputters that this is a "Harry Reid lie," then runs away as campaign spokespeople curse at him

0630 tells right-wing radio host Alan Stock that young teenagers who are raped and impregnated should make "a lemon situation into lemonade" and carry the fetuses to term

0702 sends Harry Reid a cease-and-desist letter after he reposts parts of her web site that she had scrubbed to look less batshit crazy

0707 calls the BP escrow account a "slush fund" for the Obama administration

0708 walks back the "slush fund" smear after learning that Joe Barton ruined that meme for the Republicans

0712 declares that Republican senator Bob Bennett has "outlived his usefulness," as voters "showed at the polls" (though Bennett lost the Republican nomination via a convention, not a primary)

0714 tells the Christian Broadcasting Network that: • God directed her to run against Harry Reid • Nevadans should vote her into the Senate because "I'll be able to lead a filibuster" • she doesn't do interviews with the mainstream media because "I'm not going to earn anything from people who are there to badger me and use my words to batter me with"

0303 arrested for drunk driving after leaving a gay nightclub in Sacramento with a gentleman companion

0304 West Sacramento mayor Christopher Cabaldon, who is openly gay, tells CBS13 that Ashburn was a fixture at gay clubs for years even as he was speaking at anti-gay rallies and voting against gay rights

0308 acknowledges that he's gay

0414 sentenced to two days in jail

0313 tells a St. Paul audience that, if health insurance reform legislation passes, "we're not gonna pay their taxes" because "we don't have to"

0324 claims that "100% of our economy was private prior to September of 2008"

0528 abruptly switches from complaining about all government action to complaining that in the case of the BP oil spill the government isn't taking enough action

0615 encourages BP not to agree to Barack Obama's escrow proposal: "they shouldn't have to be fleeced" or allow "a redistribution of wealth"

0709 tells the Western Conservative Summit that government spending is "turning our country into a nation of slaves"

0721 hands out a list of Republicans who have joined her new "Tea Party Caucus," then has to revise it throughout the day as reporters fact-check the list

0304 sends out an email comparing Michelle Obama to a chimp, saying "I don't care who you are, this is funny"

0306 loses his $50,000 contract with the Nashville Convention & Visitors Bureau; says he's surprised, as he saw the email as nothing more than "political humor"

0308 is fired

0503 tells Bill Bennett and Neil Cavuto that the BP oil spill isn't nearly as bad as the Exxon Valdez spill (which is true in the sense that it's much, much worse)

0602 compares the oil washing ashore to "caramel-colored mousse, like the food mousse" and to toothpaste

0616 expresses concern that "causing an escrow to be made" will be counterproductive, because by paying for oil spill damages BP won't make the profit necessary to... pay for oil spill damages

0617 apologizes to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the "$20 billion shakedown" he had been subjected to by the Obama administration, calling it "a tragedy of the first proportion" that merely because his corporation was responsible for the greatest environmental catastrophe in the nation's history he should suffer such treatment

0617 retracts his apology, which in going just the slightest bit too far ruined the "Chicago-style shakedown" meme that all Republicans had been parroting

0122 argues for the cancellation of programs providing school lunches to poor children because with an "ample food supply, they will reproduce"

0309 reported to have replaced top consultant Chris LaCivita (the swiftboat guy) with Chip Saltsman (the "Barack the Magic Negro") guy

0326 lobbies for a constitutional convention "for solely doing away with the health care bill," which he calls "the end of the America we know and love"

0423 says that the reason for unemployment is that "there are a lot of people that are flat-out lazy"

0215 abruptly announces that he will not seek re-election to the Senate despite a big lead in the polls

0220 delivers a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference in which he: • says that "the cancer that's eating at America" is government spending • attributes this insight to the education he gained at his local public library, where "books are free" • appears not to comprehend that public libraries are an example of government spending

0302 urges listeners to leave any church that supports social justice

0311 calls the notion of social justice "a perversion of the Gospel"

0408 tells Forbes that "I could give a flying crap about the political process" and that his organization is "an entertainment company"

0528 spends a long stretch of his radio show mocking Barack Obama's 11-year-old daughter

0603 links the 9/11 attacks to Saudi prince Alwaleed bin Talal al-Saud... who, as the largest owner of Fox News outside the Murdoch family, is Beck's employer

0304 shoots and wounds two police officers at the Pentagon subway station in order to protest taxes, marijuana prohibition, and the supposed government demolition of the World Trade Center; is shot dead

0320 in a pastoral letter to the people of Ireland, blames physical and sexual abuse of thousands of children by priests and nuns in part on "the rapid transformation and secularization of Irish society"

0508 fails to make the Republican primary as teabagger groups at the Utah Republican convention succeed in nominating a pair of candidates even farther to the right than he

0712 is declared by Sharron Angle to have "outlived his usefulness"

0202 describes the movie Avatar as "this new program that I looked at it and wished I were seeing it in 3-D, and you sit there and you watch this science fiction thing unfold in front of you"

0309 arrives in Israel for a state visit just as Israel announces plans for 1600 new Jewish housing units in Palestinian territory; in response to the slap, shows up 90 minutes late for dinner, then condemns the announcement for undermining the peace process

0323 tells Barack Obama "this is a big fuckin' deal!" in front of a live microphone at the signing ceremony for health insurance reform

0212 shoots five of her fellow biology professors, killing three, and wounds a staffer after being denied tenure

0214 revealed to have fatally shot her brother in 1986 and been a suspect in an attempted mail bombing at Harvard in 1993

0215 revealed to have held up an auto-body worker at gunpoint in 1986, looking for a getaway car after shooting her brother

0216 revealed to have walked up to a woman in an International House of Pancakes, demanded that she surrender the restaurant's last booster seat, then punched the woman in the head while screaming "I am Dr. Amy Bishop!!"

0616 charged with murdering her brother

0111 tells Esquire that he is "blacker than Barack Obama" since his childhood apartment was barely above average in size

0127 reverses course and comes out against holding al-Qaeda trials in Manhattan after local groups (e.g., Wall Street executives) object

0106 announces in the wake of Chris Dodd's retirement that he is running for Dodd's Senate seat

0518 holds press conference to defend himself against a New York Times article that quoted him once describing himself as a Vietnam veteran even though he spent his entire military service in the U.S.

0105 writes an open letter demanding that the health care reconciliation negotiations be televised on C-SPAN

0209 complains on Fox News that Barack Obama is planning to televise the upcoming health care summit on C-SPAN

0204 claims Paul Ryan's plan for Social Security and Medicare to be phased out doesn't represent the Republican position; when asked what in it he disagrees with, replies, "I couldn't tell you"

0223 after complaining that the Democrats' previous health care reform plan was too long (2009.1030), complains that the new one is too short

0321 offers a riposte to Obama's "yes we can" slogan, bellowing "HELL NO YOU CAN'T!" on the House floor minutes before the passage of health insurance reform

0430 takes credit on NPR's "Morning Edition" for the popular parts of the health insurance reform law

0610 says taxpayers should cover part of the bill for the BP oil spill (then quickly backtracks)

0629 calls mild measures to very slightly restrain practices that led to the collapse of the economy "killing an ant with a nuclear weapon"

0715 calls for financial reform to be repealed

0716 on a roll, calls for a year-long moratorium on all government regulations

0423 signs a law requiring police to demand immigration papers from anyone whom someone might "reasonably suspect" is in the country illegally

0430 explains to Fox News that "Arizona has been under terrorist attacks, if you will, with all of this illegal immigration," selecting "terrorist" over the various other words such as "Nazi" or "socialist" that Republicans use as generic epithets

0601 claims that her father, who died in California in 1955, "died fighting Nazis in Germany"

0503 tells Fox News that Barack Obama's "delay" in responding to the Deepwater Horizon oil spill (note: there was no delay) was deliberate, "because now he can pander to the environmentalists"

0119 elected to succeed Ted Kennedy in the U.S. Senate; announces during his victory speech that his college-age daughters "are both available"

0128 tells the AP that he hopes to use his newfound celebrity to meet cyclist Lance Armstrong, "just like to say hi, just to like hug him"

0218 says Joe Stack's attack on the Austin IRS office is understandable because "no one likes paying taxes, obviously"

0512 tells a Biloxi audience that "if anybody says, oh, I can smell" the oil from the ongoing Deepwater Horizon spill, "no you can't"

0514 clarifies that "I'm not saying you couldn't smell anything" but that "if people having conventions hear there's an odor of gasoline, they might want to cancel"

0512 tells "Morning Joe" that a photo of Elena Kagan playing softball is revealing because "women's softball has been associated with lesbians and being gay"

0513 adds that if Kagan is confirmed, "Jews, who represent less than 2 percent of the U.S. population, will have 33 percent of the Supreme Court seats" and asks, "What happened to the party of the Daleys, Rizzos and Rostenkowskis?"

0225 single-handedly blocks extension of unemployment benefits; shouts "Tough shit!" when Jeff Merkley (D-OR) complains

0301 triggers a 21% pay cut to doctors who treat Medicare patients; flips his middle finger at ABC reporters who attempt to ask him whether he's concerned about the unemployed people whose benefits he has blocked

0226 tells the Bush-Cheney Alumni Association that the reason he's been invisible since leaving office is that when he was president Jimmy Carter made his life miserable

0323 on a visit to Haiti with Bill Clinton, shakes hands with Haitians and then wipes his hand on Clinton's shirt

0628 dies at age 92

0325 claims that vandalism of legislators' offices affects both parties because his office has been shot at, but Richmond police report that the bullet in question had been fired randomly into the air, entering the office window at a steep downward angle

0329 identified as the target of a Youtube video that led to the arrest of Norman Leboon; see death threats

0401 speaks to the Orlando Sentinel in defense of the sign he has posted on the door of his practice telling Obama voters to "seek urologic care elsewhere"

0402 admits that "I can't tell you exactly what the deal is" regarding health reform and that all he knows about the new law is "what I get online"

0202 says that repealing the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy would lead to "alcohol use, adultery, fraternization, and body art" in the military

0222 has fifth heart attack, still refuses to die

0625 hospitalized with complications of heart disease, still refuses to die

0714 issues a statement revealing that he had been fitted with a heart pump

0302 refers to Department of Justice lawyers who represented Guantanamo detainees as "the al-Qaeda 7" and the entire department as the "Department of Jihad" (with fig-leaf question mark), and flashes pictures of Osama bin Laden while asking, "Whose values do they share?"

0308 scolded by 19 conservative lawyers, including Ken Starr, for her "shameful series of attacks," reminding her that John Adams represented the British soldiers charged in the Boston massacre

0211 has heart surgery

0323 shirt used as a napkin by George W. Bush

0106 leads Scott Brown by 15 points in UNH poll

0112 runs an ad in which the word "Massachusetts" is misspelled

0113 in an interview with the Boston Globe, scoffs at the idea of campaigning "in the cold, shaking hands"

0115 refers to Curt Schilling, former pitcher for the Boston Red Sox (2004-2008), as a fan of the rival New York Yankees

0117 holds 19th campaign event, bringing her up to only 47 fewer than Scott Brown

0119 loses to Scott Brown by five points

0204 announces intention to run for his old Senate seat, currently occupied by Evan Bayh

0205 appears in an Evan Bayh ad telling a North Carolina audience that he hopes to move into his NC vacation home full-time and "be a North Carolinian," but "don't tell the good people of Indiana"

0202 wins nomination as the Democratic nominee for lieutenant governor of Illinois

0203 revealed to have been arrested in 2005 for holding a knife to the throat of his prostitute girlfriend

0204 explains to Chicago Tonight that the assault was not his fault but was instead the fault of the intravenous steroids he was abusing at the time; adds that they were also to blame for his attempted rape of his then-wife

0207 drops out of the race

0111 tells MSNBC that Trent Lott's endorsement of a segregationist presidential candidate was "far more innocuous" than Harry Reid's use of the word "Negro"; see false equivalency

0219 asked whether her comparison of the invasion and occupation of Iraq to World War II is apt, replies, "Uhhhmm... well, in the sense that they're both wars"

0322 tells a 17-year-old Muslim girl who asked how she would travel if Coulter's proposed ban on Muslims in airplanes went into effect to "take a camel"

0415 vetoes a Republican bill to make it easier to fire teachers whose students do poorly on standardized tests; campaign manager Connie Mack quits and several other Republicans withdraw their endorsements

0429 declares that he is leaving the Republican Party and will run for Senate as an independent

0116 takes office

0216 files a petition against the Environmental Protection Agency for relying "almost exclusively" on scientists in determining that anthropogenic greenhouse gases contribute to climate change

0304 sends a letter to public universities in Virginia declaring that it is illegal under state law not to discriminate against homosexuals

0322 files a lawsuit in U.S. District Court against the new health insurance reform laws

0501 alters the state seal to cover up the exposed breast of the Roman goddess Virtus

0107 joins Reuters from the online edition of the Wall Street Journal

0201.4p writes story about Obama budget titled "Backdoor taxes to hit middle class"

0201.8p story is withdrawn by Reuters until "significant errors of fact" can be corrected

0202 Reuters says story has too many errors to be corrected

0205 leaves Reuters

0329 while endorsing Charlie Crist for U.S. Senate, refers to Barack Obama as "the black one with the reading thing" and Crist's opponent Marco Rubio as "a Hispanic who can run his mouth at Mach 1"

0121 defends Trijicon's addition of Bible references to U.S. weaponry on the grounds that Muslim suicide bombers shout the takbir, "so if anybody's making this a religious thing, they started it"

0208 defends Sarah Palin's writing on her hand to help her through a Q&A session, saying "I do that all the time"

0615 argues that China will move into Afghanistan if the U.S. leaves because China is "not too far away and it's a great big country that needs a whole bunch of stuff"

0121 admits that he is the father of his former mistress Rielle Hunter's daughter (b. 2008.0207), after denying that he was the father during his admission of the affair (2008.0808), after denying the affair

0224 calls for Democrats to give up on comprehensive reform and pass a few small bipartisan changes instead, which Nancy Pelosi dismisses as "Kiddie Care"

0316 hired by CNN

0328 explains to Howie Kurtz that when he compared a White House spokeswoman to Josef Goebbels, called Michelle Obama a "Marxist harpy," called David Souter a "goat fucking child molester," suggested that people beat their legislator "to a bloody pulp for being an idiot," and so forth, that he had not yet "evolved" to the point that he has now

0401 threatens on his radio show to "pull out my wife's shotgun" if a census worker should appear at his door

0613 captured in northern Pakistan, armed with a pistol and sword which he says he brought in order to kill Osama bin Laden

0623 returns home to Colorado after being released

0203 releases an ad depicting primary opponent Tom Campbell as a demonic sheep

0208 tells a group of business leaders that California should consider filing for bankruptcy, even though states cannot file for bankruptcy

0329 sends out a mass email commemorating Passover as a time to "break bread"

0608 wins primary

0609 caught on CNN live camera mocking Barbara Boxer: "God, what is that hair? So yesterday!"

0111 orchestrates Mark McGwire's confession that he had used steroids

0311 reported to have been hired by Tiger Woods to repair his image

0322 withdraws as Tiger Woods's PR man since the association was making Woods look bad

0105 said by the New York Times to be considering a challenge to Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) despite ten years representing Tennessee in the U.S. House

0111 tells Chris Matthews, "I am a New Yorker, I am a New Yorker, I am a New Yorker, I am a New Yorker" in a Southern accent

0113 tells the New York Times that he has visited all five boroughs because his helicopter once landed in Staten Island

0201 refers to Gillibrand, four years his senior, as "the young lady I'm looking at running against"

0212 spokeswoman reveals that he has never paid New York state taxes

0301 elects not to run for Senate after all

0226 says "far more of the African-American community is being devastated by the policies of today" — i.e., legal abortion — "than were being devastated by the policies of slavery"

0311 admits that in 1985, when he was 30, he and a 15-year-old employee of his were naked in a hot tub together, and that in 2002 he paid her $150,000 not to tell anyone

0313 resigns

see Killpack, Sheldon

0205 claims in a deposition that he hasn't had sex since 1995, not with his wife and not with either of his two suspected mistresses

0222 repeatedly lies to a Las Vegas reporter about whether Kathy Karrasch, a married woman with whom he had exchanged hundreds of late-night text messages, was traveling with him — even though she's right there and they leave in the same car

0223 apologizes for "any ambiguity" caused by his unambiguous lies

0225 appears in a photo with Karrasch at the meeting from which they were returning... along with fellow philandering governor Mark Sanford

0608 loses primary

0209 tells Jon Stewart that it was okay for the Bush Administration to provide shoe bomber Richard Reid with Miranda rights but not for the Obama Administration to provide underpants bomber Umar Abdulmutallab with them because the British subject Reid was an American citizen

0224 refers to Senate procedures that require 51 votes rather than 60 as "kind of a Hugo Chavez majoritarian rule"

0321 says that Democrats will regret attempting to reform health care policy since enacting civil rights legislation in the 1960s "shattered the Democratic Party for 40 years" and apparently they should regret that too

0323 suggests that, if they win a majority in the 2010 midterms, Republicans should shut down the government

0516 always full of helpful advice, tells Fox News that the Senate should reject Elena Kagan's nomination to the Supreme Court without bothering to hold hearings

0106 tells Larry King that the six-day delay in Bush's response to the attempted shoe bombing of AA 63 (2001.1222) was excusable because it happened before the 9/11 attacks (2001.0911)

0108 tells Good Morning America that "we had no domestic attacks under Bush," suggesting that neither the attempted shoe bombing nor the 9/11 attacks ever happened

0624 issues a warning on the House floor that terrorists are sending women to the U.S. to give birth so that "thirty years down the road, they can be sent in to help destroy our way of life"

0215 gets into an altercation with Mitt Romney on an Air Canada flight after Romney tells him to put his seat upright for takeoff

0315 tells a radio audience that Democrats are about to commit political suicide by passing health insurance reform because "Nancy Pelosi, I think, has got them all liquored up on sake"

0316 somehow pays a $10,440 filing fee despite having earlier filed an affidavit of indigency

0608 wins primary with 59% of the vote despite not having campaigned at all or done any fundraising and despite proving in subsequent interviews to be incapable of fluent speech

0706 tells the Guardian that his plan to create jobs is to hire works to "make toys of me, especially for the holidays — little dolls, me, like maybe little action dolls," adding "especially for the holidays" and "they can make toys of me"

0718 stumbles through first speech, pledging to "reclaim our country from the terrorists and the communists"

0722 military performance reviews obtained by the Associated Press describe Greene as "unable to express thoughts clearly" and "not able to adapt to any changes to daily routine," with a "consistent inability to follow instructions or maintain basic job knowledge"

0524 Will Forks, former press secretary for Mark Sanford, claims he had an affair with Haley in 2007

0602 Larry Marchant, campaign consultant for Andre Bauer, claims he had a one-night stand with Haley in 2008

0603 called a "raghead" by state senator Jake Knotts

0514 tells the Guardian that the amount of oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico is significantly smaller than the amount of water in it

0518 tells Sky News that the four million gallons of crude oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico every day will have a "very, very modest" environmental impact

0530 complains, "I'd like my life back," which probably goes double for the eleven people who died under his watch

0618 is removed as the face of BP's oil spill containment efforts

0619 celebrates by going to a yacht race

0314 tells WORL in Orlando that, if you accept the redefinition of marriage away from one man and one woman, "I guess you could marry your horse"

0520 claims the United States never declared war on Nazi Germany (which it did on 1941.1211)

0621 defends his work as a pitchman for crooked "free government money" seminars: "I always say about any product or service [...] 'buyer beware'"

0219 argues that by extending benefits to the unemployed the government is "creating hobos"

0623 defends use of the phrase "ick factor" in discussing gay marriage by protesting that he picked up the phrase from the gay community

0103 tells Fox News Sunday that Tiger Woods must convert to Christianity from inferior Buddhist religion

0202 tells All Things Considered that repealing the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy would lead to an influx of "hermaphrodites"

0424 tells a teabagger rally in Ramona, California, that American citizens whose parents are illegal immigrants should be deported

0615 refers to Sharron Angle's supporters as "the unwashed back home"

0309 calls Barack Obama a communist on Fox News, to Sean Hannity's delight

0326 calls Barack Obama a communist on Fox News, to Steve Doocy's chagrin

0415 at a teabagger rally in Washington, sings a song titled "There's a Communist Living in the White House"

0708 in televised one-hour special, announces that he will be leaving his hometown team and "taking my talents to South Beach" because "I wanted to do what was best for Lebron James and what Lebron James is going to do to make him happy"

0325 expresses concern at a congressional hearing that, due to Guam's small size, the island might literally capsize due to overpopulation

0410 killed in plane crash; see Poland

0510 nominated to replace John Paul Stevens on the Supreme Court

0115 arrested for drunk driving

0116 resigns

see Garn, Kevin

0525 sentenced to 18 to 60 months in prison for violating probation by not making payments on his $1m fine

0623 indicted on charges that he raided a nonprofit fund to pay for yoga lessons, golf equipment, birthday parties, etc.

0114 appears on The Jay Leno Show to whine that Leno should stay out of his timeslot because Leno is rich and childless while Kimmel must raise two children on an annual salary of merely $6 million

0106 tells Good Morning America that his chief recommendation to improve national security is that Barack Obama say the word "terrorism" more often

0115 tells ABC News that the earthquake in Haiti is an excellent opportunity to deport Haitian immigrants, because "if they are deported, Haiti is in great need of relief workers, and many of them could be a big help"

0220 tells the Conservative Political Action Conference that he empathizes with Joe Stack's kamikaze attack on the IRS because he too would like to destroy it

0316 calls for health insurance reform opponents to "storm this city, fill up Washington D.C.," arguing that Democratic control of the U.S. government "is very, very close" to communist rule in Cold War Czechoslovakia

0407 denounces the Humane Society, saying it "is run by vegetarians with an agenda whose goal is to take meat off everyone's table in America"

0614 complains to G. Gordon Liddy that Barack Obama "has a default mechanism in him" that "favors the black person"

0614 argues on the House floor that police can easily identify illegal immigrants without resorting to racial profiling, using such cues as "shoes," "accident" [sic], "grooming," and "a sixth sense"

0603 apologizes for exaggerating his military record; when he claimed to have been shot at over Iraq or to have commanded the war room at the Pentagon, he explains, "I simply misremembered it wrong"

0621 sprints away from reporters through a kitchen in order to avoid questions about his exaggerations regarding his military record and teaching credentials

0603 on the talk show "Pub Politics," calls Sikh-turned-Methodist Nikki Haley "a fucking raghead" who is "hiding her religion," adding that "we got a raghead in Washington, we don't need one in South Carolina" and that "we're at war over there," clarifying that he didn't mean India specifically but rather "foreign countries"

0212 dies after crashing into a steel pole at 90 mph at the Olympics

0225 complains that the Senate health care bill would require health insurance to cover over 60% of costs, rather than the current average of 48%

0711 tells Fox News Sunday that spending increases must always be accompanied by spending cuts because the deficit is so important, but tax cuts must never be offset because the deficit doesn't matter

0330 posts a Youtube video announcing that he is refusing redeployment to Kentucky because he believes commander-in-chief Barack Obama was not born in the United States

0422 formally charged with five violations of military law

0601 request to force Barack Obama to testify is denied

0125 targeted by a group of men (including right-wing activist and noted fake pimp James O'Keefe) who are arrested after attempting to tamper with the phones in her office

0215 hospitalized after a fall

0216 undergoes surgery

0219 releases statement revealing a diagnosis of stomach cancer

0101 after hospital stay, praises U.S. health care system as the best in the world for people with a net worth of several hundred million dollars

0113 says the earthquake in Haiti was "made to order" for the Obama Administration as an opportunity to win favor with blacks

0203 refers to the visit of a Special Olympics delegation to the White House as a "retard summit"

0225 responds to health summit anecdote about a woman, unable to afford dentures, wearing her dead sister's: "So what? So if you don't have any teeth, so what? What's applesauce for? Isn't that why they make applesauce?"

0605 gets married for the fourth time

0116 condemns FBI for creating a picture of an aged Osama bin Laden by digitally combining a photo of Osama with one of him that the FBI found on Google Images

0302 releases an ad arguing that "government-run health care is wrong" because it will weaken Medicare, a government-run health care program

0406 says at a candidate forum that a good response to skyrocketing health care costs is to switch to the barter system

0409 calls on Nancy Pelosi to "cross party lines" in selecting a replacement for John Paul Stevens, even though the House has no role in Supreme Court nominations

0419 expands on her fondness for the barter system, telling Nevada Newsmakers that "before we all started having health care, in the olden days, our grandparents, they would bring a chicken to the doctor, they would say 'I'll paint your house'" and "I'm not backing down from that system" because "doctors are very sympathetic people"

0608 loses primary

0218 says that after an abortion, "nature takes its vengeance on the subsequent children," inflicting them with disabilities because "the first born of every being, animal and man" should be "dedicated to the Lord"

0712 tells right-wing radio host Gina Loudon that he opposes government because "when you take a government and you impose, and take away all your choices, one of the choices you take away is to find the Lord and to find your savior," adding that Barack Obama and current MO-03 representative Russ Carnahan are "taking away of that freedom, the freedom, the ultimate freedom to find your salvation, to get your salvation, and to find Christ, for me and you"

0208 is charged with sexual harassment after attending a staffer's wedding, hearing a drunken staffer say he should pursue a bridesmaid, and responding by grabbing another staffer and saying "what I really ought to be doing is fracking you" (2009.1231)

0305 announces his resignation

0307 explains his behavior by recounting that during his 24 years in the Navy, he was used to forcing new sailors to stick their faces in other sailors' crotches and offering to help his roommate masturbate, and was therefore just going with what he knew; also claims to have been confronted by a naked, aggressive Rahm Emanuel while showering in the House gym

0309 tells Glenn Beck that the newest charge of sexual harassment stemmed from a "tickle fight" with male staffers on his 50th birthday, and that, again, he didn't realize it was wrong because a typical day in the Navy "looks like an orgy in Caligula, and anybody that's been in the Navy knows it"

0127 says that during the State of the Union address he forgot that Barack Obama was black

0120 appears in an ad opposing California's Proposition 8, which eliminated same-sex marriage in the state

0120 admonishes National Counterterrorism Center Director Michael Leiter for correcting McCain's assertion that attempted underpants bomber Umar Abdulmutallab bought a one-way ticket to the U.S. (it was actually round-trip); Leiter apologizes

0202 sharply disagrees with Joint Chiefs chair Mike Mullen's recommendation to allow gays to serve openly in the U.S. military, despite having said (2006.1018) that he would support such a change when military leaders did

0203 again claims Abdulmutallab should have been caught because "he showed up on a one-way ticket"

0222 claims that he only voted for the Wall Street bailout (2008.1001) because he thought it was targeted at the housing market, contradicting his speeches at the time

0224 claims that Barack Obama suspended his presidential campaign the same time he did (2008.0924), though in fact Obama explicitly refused to do so

0322 in the aftermath of the passage of health insurance reform, snarls that Democrats will receive "no cooperation for the rest of the year" from Republicans, as if they had ever received any

0403 tells Newsweek that "I never considered myself a maverick"

0508 releases a new campaign ad with the tagline "complete the danged fence," featuring McCain walking in Nogales while talking to a sheriff from two counties away

0622 engulfed in an uproar over an upcoming Rolling Stone article which depicts McChrystal and his staff as contemptuous of civilian authority, as he mocks Joe Biden, says he feels "betrayed" by the U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan, and his aides: • complain that Barack Obama "didn't know anything" and "didn't seem very engaged" in meetings with McChrystal • refer to Joe Biden as "Bite Me" • say McChrystal calls envoy Richard Holbrooke "a wounded animal" • call retired general Jim Jones a clown • describe a meeting with a French minister as "fucking gay" ...all while downing cases of Bud Light Lime on a bus ride with the reporter

0623 fired by Barack Obama

0116 inaugurated

0127 in Republican response to the State of the Union address, declares that "we are blessed here in America with vast natural resources, and we must use them all"

0205 rescinds policy protecting gay state employees from discrimination

0406 declares April "Confederate History Month" in a proclamation that contains no mention of slavery, then explains it wasn't "significant" enough to be included; he eventually apologizes and adds a clause about it, angering members of the Sons of Confederate Veterans

0507 appoints Fred Malek, whom Richard Nixon had put in charge of removing Jews from government positions, as chair of a committee to reform government

0111 confesses that his 70 HR season in 1998, breaking a 37-year record and reviving interest in baseball after the '94 strike, was fueled by steroids

0205 barred from attending the prom at Itawamba Agricultural High School in Fulton, Mississippi, (map) because her date is also female

0310 Itawamba County School District cancels prom after receiving a letter from the ACLU

0323 U.S. District Court ruling holds that the district cannot bar McMillen from the prom, but that McMillen cannot force the district to hold the prom either

0331 district tells McMillen that prom has been reinstated and that she can come and bring her date

0402 arrives to discover that it is a fake prom attended by only seven students, while an organization of parents secretly holds the real prom elsewhere

0202 tells the Senate Armed Services Committee that homosexuals should be allowed to serve openly in the U.S. military

0406 Charles Alan Wilson, 64, of Selah, Washington, is arrested for threatening Murray in dozens of calls, which he confirms in a police sting; see death threats

0120 tells lifesitenews.com that his plan in voting for the Senate health care bill was to wait until the bill came out of conference for a final vote and then demand further concessions

0222 joins a Republican filibuster of a jobs bill, though the filibuster is defeated when five Republicans defect

0426 joins a Republican filibuster of financial reform

0520 tells the Omaha World-Herald that he can't comment on a proposal to limit ATM fees because "I've never used an ATM"; also refers to bar codes as "holograms"

0630 joins Republican filibuster, blocking extension of unemployment benefits by one vote

0720 continues to support Republican filibuster even as it is broken by Robert Byrd's interim successor

0321 shouts "baby killer!" as Bart Stupak, one of the last anti-abortion-rights Democratic holdouts to switch to a yes vote on health insurance reform, speaks on the bill's behalf on the House floor

0309 calls Social Security a Ponzi scheme

0112 rejects NBC's plan to bump his Tonight Show to 12:05 a.m. in order to accommodate a new 11:35 p.m. show featuring former Tonight host Jay Leno

0122 accepts a $45 million buyout instead, leaves NBC

0125 arrested with three other men for attempting to tamper with the phones in Mary Landrieu's office

0126 ordered by the U.S. District Court to live with his parents

0301 ACORN is cleared of all charges as his fake pimp tape turns out to have been doctored

0526 pleads guilty in the Landrieu case, receives probation and a fine

0115 laments that "48 years ago in this country we could make fun of Arabs [...] but now we can't"

0413 declares that nobody on Fox News has ever told viewers that those who don't buy health insurance might go to jail, when in fact at least ten have, including Glenn Beck and Neil Cavuto

0129 takes questions from House Republicans, who scoff at the notion that the center-right health care bill is "pretty centrist" and cheer the mocking suggestion that it is "some Bolshevik plot"

0225 convenes a bipartisan health policy summit at which every Republican repeats the same mantra: "start over" with a "clean sheet of paper"

0303 kicks off a speaking tour on behalf of health care reform, along with a series of almost 100 conferences with individual House Democrats

0323 signs the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act into law

0402 declares that "oil rigs today generally don't cause spills," 18 days before an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico explodes and causes a spill: see Deepwater Horizon

0408 meets with titular Russian leader Dmitry Medvedev in Prague to sign a treaty limiting deployed nuclear warheads

0510 nominates Elena Kagan to replace John Paul Stevens on the Supreme Court

0607 tells NBC that his many meetings with oil spill experts are not academic but "so I know whose ass to kick"

0616 surprises pundits by getting BP to agree to set up a $20b escrow account to pay damages for the Deepwater Horizon spill, infuriating Republicans

0623 fires Stanley McChrystal, commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan

0129 credited with a recorded statement deploring global warming

0405 declares he is entering the race for the Republican nomination for governor of New York, surrounded by family members, including the ten-year-old daughter he fathered during an affair

0412 revealed to have forwarded to a long list of associates such emails as a racist shop of the Obamas, a "demotivation" poster captioned "run niggers, run!", and a video of a woman being fucked by a horse

0106 starts PR firm at age 19

0122 appears less than thrilled as her mother eagerly discusses Bristol's sex life during a joint appearance The Oprah Winfrey Show

0714 tells various gossip magazines that she is once again engaged to Levi Johnston, whom her mother described as an aspiring porn star

0111 signs on as a paid contributor to Fox News

0113 tells Glenn Beck that her favorite American founder is "all of them"

0122 during a joint appearance with daughter Bristol on The Oprah Winfrey Show: • when Bristol is asked whether her vow not to have sex [again] until she's married is realistic, interrupts to say it's unrealistic for others but not for Bristol • asks Bristol, "Hey, does that mean you're gonna marry pretty young?", to which Bristol mumbles, "I don't know, Mom"

0206 at the for-profit "National Tea Party Convention" in Nashville: • mocks Barack Obama for using a teleprompter • during the ensuing Q&A session, reads answers off her hand • has her crib notes photographed; one says "Budget Cuts" with the word "Budget" crossed out and replaced with "Tax," resulting in the exact opposite policy deficit-wise • laments that "people who are seeking freedom wonder if Alaska is still the beacon of hope for their cause" • wears a miniskirt • receives $100,000

0207 defends Rush Limbaugh's use of the phrase "retard summit," calling it "satirical"

0215 complains about a Family Guy episode in which a character with Down Syndrome says, "My dad's an accountant, and my mom is the former governor of Alaska," which is apparently insufficiently satirical

0218 receives a reply from the actress, who also has Down Syndrome: "My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes"

0305 tells an Ohio crowd that it was okay for her to write on her hand because "it was good enough for God" in Isaiah 49:16

0306 tells a Calgary audience that when she was a child her family crossed the border to take advantage of the Canadian medical system she frequently derides; this may seem like hypocrisy, though the Washington Post notes that in 2007 she told the same story about going to Juneau, so maybe it's just a lie

0323 declaring "Don't retreat. RELOAD," issues a map with targeted House Democrats indicated by crosshairs

0409 Cal State Stanislaus students discover shredded documents in a school dumpster that include Palin's contract for a speech at CSUS in June; in it, Palin demands that her beverages be accompanied by bendable straws

0601 boasts on Twitter that the ongoing BP oil spill vindicates "drill baby drill" because she meant drilling on land, hoping people won't remember that she's been incessantly pushing offshore drilling for years and as recently as a few days ago

0615 agitatedly tells Bill O'Reilly that Barack Obama should have called in the Dutch to help with the BP oil spill because "they are known for dikes"

0624 Alaska personnel board announces that Palin's legal defense fund was itself illegal

0718 tweets: "Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn't it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate"; when called on use of non-word "refudiate," replies, "Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!"

0220 launches campaign for another term as governor

0224 the New York Times charges that he called a woman to pressure her to drop assault charges against top aide David Johnson

0226 ends campaign

0518 wins primary; does not take opponent Trey Grayson's congratulatory phone call

0519 tells Rachel Maddow that he opposes the Civil Rights Act despite not being a racist himself because "the hard part about believing in freedom" is that we have to let private businesses discriminate on the basis of race

0521 attempting to change the subject, tells Good Morning America that Barack Obama shouldn't criticize BP for the oil spill devastating the Gulf region because "that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business"

0523 skips scheduled Meet the Press appearance, pleading exhaustion

0708 defends "the engine of capitalism" by pointing out that even Americans who live in housing projects with broken windows often have color TV sets

0220 wins Conservative Political Action Conference straw poll, with Mitt Romney a distant second

0222 tells Fox News that a good way to cut health care costs would be to allow emergency rooms to refuse treatment to patients

0128 says that, despite Obama's suggestion that Congress "coalesce around those elements of the package that people agree on" in the wake of Scott Brown's election to the Senate, comprehensive reform will pass: "if the fence is too high, we will pole vault in"

0224 rejects Rahm Emanuel's call to give up on comprehensive reform and pass a few small bipartisan changes instead, calling it "incrementalism" and "Kiddie Care"

0321 proven correct as the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act passes 219-212

0407 Gregory Giusti, 48, of San Francisco, is arrested for threatening Pelosi and her family in dozens of calls to her homes and offices; see death threats

0113 scores novelty hit with self-penned composition "Pants on the Ground" decrying improperly worn trousers

0201 reports the campaign of primary opponent and fellow billionaire Meg Whitman to law enforcement for threatening in an email "to spend $40M+ tearing up Steve"

0608 loses primary despite spending $24 million; Whitman spent $81 million

0114 hangs self after incessant bullying at South Hadley High School (map), raising a furor in the media

0329 felony charges are brought against "mean girls" Kayla Narey, Ashley Longe, Flannery Mullins, and Sharon Chanon Velazquez, and against fuck-her/dump-her "boyfriends" Sean Mulveyhill and Austin Renaud; three others are charged as juveniles

0212 tells Fox News that passing legislation through budget reconciliation, as regularly happened during the G.W. Bush Administration, "would set a bad precedent" because "you have 51 votes in the House and 51 votes in the Senate" and "that is not the constitutional process"

0109 apologizes to Barack Obama after being quoted in a book saying the country could embrace a black candidate who, like Obama, was "light-skinned" "with no Negro dialect"

0110 called upon by Republicans to follow Trent Lott's example and resign; see false equivalency

0413 caught at an airport in the company of a male prostitute he had hired from rentboy.com

0504 claims that he hired the prostitute to carry his luggage on their ten-day European vacation, and that he "shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ with him in great detail"

0510 revealed to have received over $120,000 from the state of Florida in exchange for testimony that homosexuals are unfit to raise children

0511 resigns from the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality

0211 sues the Lower Merion School District for using the webcam in his school-issued laptop to secretly take photos of him in his home

0104 appears in this photo posted by the Washington Independent

0111 is discovered to have posted a less controversial if perhaps less convincing version of the photo on his own site

0127 continues to show off Photoshop skills in a fundraising email depicting Barack Obama as a flamboyant pimp

0212 calls Sarah Palin "a duck out of water among true Conservative Constitutionalists" with a "NeoCon flippant viewpoint" who "represents a growing insider's attack to the heart of the Tea Party"

0113 says Haiti was hit by an earthquake because the Haitians' ancestors "swore a pact to the devil" in exchange for independence (1804) from Napoleon III (1808-1873)

0215 gets into an altercation with rapper Skyler Gordy on an Air Canada flight after telling him to put his seat upright for takeoff

0329 chased off stage at an appearance in Beverly Hills by a lady in a pink hat

0127 releases an updated version of his "Roadmap for America's Future" calling for Social Security and Medicare to be phased out

0310 budget plan, hailed as a serious attempt at reining in deficits, is scored by the Tax Policy Center, which concludes that it would: • "result in very large revenue losses relative to current policies," increasing deficits • raise taxes on those making under $75,000 • give millionaires an average tax cut of $600,000

0128 dies at age 91

0227 during CNN's tsunami coverage following the Chilean earthquake, identifies the Galapagos Islands as Hawaii, then asks a visiting scientist, "Nine meters in English is...?"

0205 in her book Staying True reveals that her husband Mark: • struck the promise to be faithful from their wedding vows • slept with his brothers rather than her while visiting home • drew her a picture of half a bicycle for her birthday • had buyer's remorse over a necklace he'd given her and returned it • quit Lamaze class because "I've spent many long nights helping cows give birth and I know what to do"

0205 is the subject of a book by estranged wife Jenny; see Sanford, Jenny

0318 signs an agreement to pay $74,000 in fines and $66,223 in reimbursement for using state and campaign money for such expenses as plane tickets to see his Argentinian mistress

0203 returns to U.S. from terrorist training camp in Pakistan

0428 scouts out Times Square in an SUV he is planning to use as a car bomb

0430 drops off an Isuzu to use as a getaway vehicle

0501 attempts to set off the SUV car bomb in Times Square; leaves the Isuzu keys and his apartment keys in the SUV; has to take public transport home and ask his landlord to let him back in

0503 arrested after making it onto Emirates flight 202 from JFK to Dubai, which was taxiing toward the runway before being called back

0504 brought up on terrorism and weapons charges

0621 pleads guilty to all counts

0204 places a "blanket hold" on all 70+ of Barack Obama's pending nominees, blocking their confirmation until Northrop receives a $40b earmark to build tankers in Alabama

0213 thrown off plane for being too fat

0518 resigns after his affair with a staffer is revealed — the very same staffer with whom he had recorded a video about the importance of sexual abstinence

0324 threatens to file criminal charges against Juneau County teachers who teach students about contraception, as a new state law requires; tellingly, he writes that the law "encourages our children to engage in sexual behavior, whether as a victim or an offender"

0130 wanders onstage during a campaign appearance by primary opponent Joe Sestak

0506 shown in Sestak ad saying "my change in party will enable me to be re-electeeehhd" in a smarmy voice, then receiving praise as "a firm ally" from George W. Bush

0518 loses the primary to Sestak

0218 sets his house on fire, then crashes his private plane into the Austin IRS building to protest Section 1706 of the 1986 Tax Reform Act photo

0104 publishes a book on "defeating the Obama agenda," surprising Republican congressional leaders

0107 tells ABC that Republican critics should "get a life" and "shut up"

0108 tells Laura Ingraham that he wrote the book before becoming RNC chair (2009.0130) even though it repeatedly discusses events of late 2009 and refers to him as RNC chair

0104 caps praise of the Republican Party platform with the phrase "honest injun"

0110 says Harry Reid should resign for using the word "Negro"

0203 asked to justify characterizing a mandate to buy private health insurance as "socialism," tells a Harvard audience that the label fits because "the government looks to take over the means of production"

0405 under fire in the wake of the Voyeur scandal, tells Good Morning America that his race gives him "a smaller margin for error" than a white RNC chairman would receive

0420 says African-Americans "really don't have a reason to" vote Republican, especially since "for the last 40+ years we had a 'Southern Strategy' that alienated many minority voters by focusing on the white male vote in the South"

0701 tells audience at a GOP fundraiser that "the one thing you don't do is engage in a land war in Afghanistan"; neocon Republicans freak out

0409 announces his retirement

0320 as informal leader of anti-abortion-rights Democrats, agrees to vote for health insurance reform in exchange for an executive order maintaining current federal policy against funding abortions

0321 is interrupted during a speech defending the health bill by a shout of "baby killer!" from Randy Neugebauer (R-TX)

0324 receives a fax with a drawing of a noose and the warning "All baby killers come to unseemly ends Either by the hand of man or the Hand of God," the word "Achtung," and the SS symbol; see death threats

0610 mast of her yacht breaks, bringing her vanity attempt to become the youngest sailor to circumnavigate the world alone to an end

0612 rescued at a cost of $300,000 to Australian taxpayers

0127 files suit in D.C. District Court to demand, yes, a copy of Barack Obama's birth certificate

0317 files as a candidate for California secretary of state

0322 files a lawsuit charging that health policy reform violates her right to employment as a dentist

0322 files a lawsuit charging that health policy reform violates her right to employment as a dentist

0512 via proxy, sues primary opponent Damon Dunn, California secretary of state Debra Bowen, and California attorney general Jerry Brown, charging that Dunn is ineligible to run as a Republican

0608 loses primary for California secretary of state by nearly 50 points

0204 in a speech to the for-profit "National Tea Party Convention," calls for a return to Jim Crow voting restrictions

0418 tells a teabagger rally that Barack Obama is from Kenya and that we should "just send him back"

0207 repeatedly refers to Ronald Reagan as "Harry Reid"

0608 loses primary

0207 appears in a Super Bowl ad directing viewers to an anti-abortion video on the website of fundamentalist organization Focus on the Family

0527 says that Israelis should "get the hell out of Palestine" and move instead to Poland, Germany, or America

0607 retires

0117 advances to runoff for the Ukrainian presidency

0203 protests an amendment to Ukrainian election law allowing her monitors to be barred from watching the vote count

0214 declared to have lost the election to Viktor Yanukovych, 48.9 to 45.4

0623 Brent Furer, Vitter's logislative assistant in charge of women's issues, resigns after it is reported that in 2008 he pled guilty to slashing his girlfriend with a knife

0707 flat-out lies when asked whether Furer was assigned to women's issues

0711 tells a teabagger group that he supports birther lawsuits

0126 announces run for U.S. House (R-ID-01) (map) in a speech that plagiarizes long passages from Barack Obama's keynote address at the 2004 Democratic convention

0329 endorsed by Sarah Palin

0513 caught having copied-and-pasted much of his campaign web site from other politicians' sites

0519 at a debate with primary opponent Raul Labrador, calls Puerto Rico a foreign country; when Labrador corrects him, sneers, "I don't really care what it is"

0525 spokesman Mike Tracy says that Ward is familiar with Puerto Rico because "he served in Guantanamo"... which is in Cuba

0525 loses primary

0309 invites the press to cover a campaign event, then refuses to answer questions and has the reporters removed by security

0310 caught on tape stage-managing what is purportedly a town hall meeting: e.g., "lots of cheering would be good"

0608 wins primary after spending $81 million

0514 in a blog post refers to Muslims as "the animals of allah" and to mosques as centers "for the worship of the terrorists' monkey-god"

0714 posts a satirical letter on his blog purporting to be from the NAACP decrying the teabagger movement: representative excerpts include "How will we Colored People ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn?" and "We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house"

0718 gets kicked out of a big federation of teabagger groups

0304 withdraws his bill, passed by the legislature, that would have charged women with murder if they behaved "recklessly" and thereby suffered a miscarriage

0502 tells KSL-TV that 81% of Salt Lake City homicides in 2008 were committed by Latinos; the police department's figure is 37%

0213 says he no longer supports Sarah Palin because she supports the re-election of John McCain, for whom he campaigned in 2008

0219 quoted in Department of Justice report arguing that the president can legally order a civilian village to be massacred

0222 pleads guilty in a civilian court to plotting to bomb New York subways; cooperates with interrogators without being tortured

0213 Operation Moshtarak begins with an assault on Taliban forces in Marja map

0402 leader Hamid Karzai, installed by the Bush Administration in 2001, claims the 2009 Afghan elections were marked by "vast fraud" perpretrated by "the foreigners"

0403 Karzai tells Afghan lawmakers that he will join the Taliban rather than submit to foreign pressure to crack down on corruption

0531 U.S. engagement in Afghanistan officially passes that in Vietnam to become the longest war in U.S. history

0613 a report in the New York Times breathlessly reports that Afghanistan has $1t in untapped mineral deposits... according to a survey that has been online since 2007

0623 Stanley McChrystal, commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, is fired (see McChrystal, Stanley)

0318 repeals health care program for poor children

0416 enacts a law allowing people to carry concealed firearms without a permit

0419 state House approves a bill requiring presidential candidates to send the Arizona secretary of state their birth certificates before being allowed on the ballot

0423 enacts a law requiring police to demand immigration papers from anyone whom someone might "reasonably suspect" is in the country illegally

0428 Arizona Beverages posts a hurried message to its web site pointing out that the company is actually based in New York

0430 legislature alters the immigration law to follow guidelines set in an email (0428) from former Kansas Republican chair Kris Kobach suggesting that racial profiling can be accomplished via pretexts such as "cars on blocks in the yard" or "too many occupants of a rental"

0511 enacts a law banning schools from offering classes that "advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals"

0521 Steve Blair, city councilman from Prescott (map), protests a local mural featuring a Latino child who attends the school on which it's painted: "To depict the biggest picture on that building as a black person, I would have to ask the question, 'Why?'"

0602 after several weeks of passing drivers shouting "get the nigger off the wall" and "get the spic off the wall," school officials order the artists to lighten the children's skin

0706 sued by Obama administration over immigration law

0227 struck by 8.8 earthquake, which is 500 times more powerful than the one that hit Haiti (0112) yet kills 0.1% as many people

0110 discovered by an AP investigation to be using cadmium as a substitute for lead in children's jewelry despite it being even more toxic

0112 identified by Google as the source of a massive, coordinated cyber attack aimed at human rights activists

0414 6.9 earthquake hits Qinghai (map), killing hundreds

0104 the Burj Dubai, the world's tallest building at 0.51 miles, opens and is immediately renamed after a neighboring emir who propped up Dubai's collapsing economy in 2009

0206 electrical problems at the Burj Dubai Khalifa strand 15 in an elevator and 60 on the observation deck

0207 Burj closes

0225 shark tank at the Dubai Mall cracks, sending patrons fleeing

0201 Finance Ministry reports that previous administrations' violation of EU deficit rules was hidden by Goldman Sachs using derivatives

0427 debt ratings downgraded to junk bond status

0505 nationwide strike (one of many) turns violent; three killed

0112 reduced to rubble (photo, photo) by 7.0 earthquake which kills an estimated 230,000

0129 authorities arrest ten Baptist missionaries from the U.S. for attempting to smuggle 33 children into the Dominican Republic

0414 Eyjafjallajökull volcano erupts, releasing a cloud of ash (photo) that grounds virtually all air traffic to, from, and within Europe

0529 Reykjavik municipal elections are won by joke party "the Best Party," whose platform included a polar bear for the zoo, free towels at public swimming pools, and a Disneyland at the airport

0615 punk comedian Jón Gnarr of the Best Party becomes mayor of Reykjavik

0203 launches rocket containing a mouse, two turtles, and a can of worms into space

0309 in a slap at the Obama Administration and the peace process, announces plans for 1600 new Jewish housing units in Palestinian territory just as U.S. vice president Joe Biden arrives for a state visit

0323 head of spy agency Mossad is kicked out of Britain for supplying forged British passports to a hit squad

0531 attacks, in international waters, a flotilla of ships bringing aid to the blockaded Gaza Strip, killing nine passengers, most of them Turks

0407 violent uprising overthrows president Kurmanbek Bakiyev

0611 rioting flares up again, devolving into ethnic violence as Kyrgyz mobs kill hundreds of Uzbeks

0202 Barack Obama tells high school students that "you don't blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college," prompting hysterical outrage from Nevada politicians who apparently consider that a marvelous idea

0207 football team wins Super Bowl

0224 police officer Michael Lohman pleads guilty to helping to cover up a police massacre of six unarmed Katrina victims on Danziger Bridge (2005.0904)

0311 police officer Jeffrey Lehrmann pleads guilty to the same crime

0407 police officer Michael Hunter pleads guilty to the same crime

0428 Marion Ryder, a civilian who lied about being a police officer, pleads guilty to the same crime

0604 police officer Ignatius Hills pleads guilty to the same crime

0420 oil rig explodes offshore; see Deepwater Horizon

0218 military coup removes president Tandja Mamadou, who had overstayed his term and begun ruling by decree

0410 plane crash kills president Lech Kaczynski, the heads of all the armed forces, over a dozen members of parliament, and other leaders en route to a commemoration of the 1940 massacre of 22,000 members of the Polish elite by the Soviets

0705 right-wing candidate Bronislaw Komorowski defeats Kaczynski's identical twin Jaroslaw in special election to fill the presidency

0329 Moscow subway attacked by two female suicide bombers; 39 die

0408 titular leader Dmitry Medvedev and Barack Obama meet in Prague to sign a treaty limiting deployed nuclear warheads to 1550, down from a 1991 peak of 41,000

0629 ten deep-cover Russian spies, who had lived in the U.S. for as long as two decades under names such as "Richard Murphy" and "Anna Chapman", are arrested

0709 the ten spies are swapped for four Russians who had been imprisoned for spying for the West

0212 Winter Olympics begin; Georgian luger dies on the practice track; opening ceremony cauldron malfunctions

0301 cleared of all wrongdoing in the James O'Keefe fake pimp scandal, as O'Keefe had doctored the videos that purported to show criminal activity

0310 congressional cutoff of funding is ruled unconstitutional in federal court

0321 votes to disband

0103 EWR (Newark, NJ) is shut down for several hours after a guy sneaks past a distracted guard to kiss his girlfriend

0105 MSP (Minneapolis, MN) is shut down for over an hour after a bomb-sniffing dog reacts to a bag that turns out to belong to the airport

0105 BFL (Bakersfield, CA) is shut down for several hours after a passenger's bottles of honey are mistaken for an explosive, hospitalizing two highly suggestible TSA agents

0116 JFK (Queens, NY) is shut down for several hours after a Haitian evacuee walks through the wrong door looking for a cab

0414 nearly all European ones shut down due to a volcanic eruption in Iceland

0204 raises premiums 39%

0208 explanation demanded by health secretary Kathleen Sebelius and CA insurance commissioner Steve Poizner

0209 congressional investigation launched; Barack Obama calls the rate hike "a preview of coming attractions" if health care reform isn't passed

0213 delays rate increases

0215 scolded by Fox Business for giving health reform advocates a new rallying point

0127 unveils the "iPad," a device whose name has been stolen from Fujitsu much as Apple's own name was stolen from the Beatles; it is basically a large iPhone (whose name was stolen from Linksys)

0423 tech blogger Jason Chen's home is raided and much of his property seized after he publishes an article about a prototype phone that an Apple employee had left in a bar

0607 wifi crashes during Steve Jobs's presentation of the new phone, leaving Jobs to testily insist that "all you bloggers need to turn off your notebooks" and "either turn off your wifi or I give up."

0609 iPad security hole leads to 114,067 users' data being compromised

0628 releases iPhone 4

0716 offers iPhone 4 users free cases after complaints about poor antenna design

0420 the Deepwater Horizon, leased by BP, explodes, leading to a massive oil spill; see Deepwater Horizon

0502 warned by Alabama's attorney general to stop offering people $5000 in exchange for forfeiting the right to sue

0514 CEO Tony Hayward tells the Guardian that the amount of oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico is significantly smaller than the amount of water in it

0523 refuses to stop using extremely toxic chemical dispersant Corexit

0528 Hayward says the chances of plugging the ongoing spill via a technique known as "top kill" are 60-70%

0529 admits that "top kill" has failed — days after informing company personnel of the failure

0602 charges Andarko Petroleum Corporation, co-owner of the Deepwater Horizon, over $272m for its share of oil spill cleanup

0608 approves $2.63b in divident payments

0616 caves to Barack Obama's demand that it set aside $20b in an escrow account to cover oil spill damages

0616 chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg reassures the public that "we care about the small people"

0618 Hayward is reassigned

0709 Anadarko refuses to pay BP's bill because "BP's behavior and actions likely represent gross negligence or willful misconduct and thus affect the obligations of the parties"

0715 announces that a new cap has stopped the flow of oil into the Gulf, though pressure readings fail to back up that claim

0716 posts a picture of its "Houston Command Center" that turns out to be a pretty shabby Photoshop job

0720 revealed to have once operated a secret hotline (916 444 7968) for politicians to call and receive free tickets to concerts and basketball games in Sacramento

0129 at a televised meeting with House Republicans, Barack Obama notes that "some of you have been at the ribbon-cuttings" for projects they opposed

0205 the White House releases a report detailing, just for starters, 29 instances of Republicans claiming credit for stimulus projects they voted against

0224 eight Republican senators, after trying and failing to kill the latest jobs bill on a cloture vote, vote yes on the bill itself in order to claim credit

0324 Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) sends out a press release hailing his contributions to the health care bill that he voted against but became popular after passage

0430 John Boehner takes credit on NPR's "Morning Edition" for the popular parts of the health care he'd earlier screamed his opposition to (0321)

0324 Bart Stupak receives a fax with a drawing of a noose and the warning "All baby killers come to unseemly ends Either by the hand of man or the Hand of God," the word "Achtung," and the SS symbol

0329 Norman Leboon, 33, of Philadelphia, is charged with threatening to kill Eric Cantor in one of his many incoherent, Christianity-inflected Youtube videos

0406 Charles Alan Wilson, 64, of Selah, Washington, is arrested for threatening Patty Murray in dozens of calls, which he confirms in a police sting

0407 Gregory Giusti, 48, of San Francisco, is arrested for threatening Nancy Pelosi and her family in dozens of calls to her homes and offices

0614 Justin Haynes, 31, of Phoenix, is indicted on charges of threatening the lives of Raul Grijalva (D-AZ) and his staff

0420 explodes, killing 11

0422 sinks

0424 wellhead estimated to be leaking 1000 barrels of oil per day

0428 new NOAA estimate: 5000 barrels/day; Coast Guard tries burning off some of the oil, but success is limited

0430 oil reaches the coast

0501 Coast Guard gives up estimating the spill rate amid reports that it may be 25,000 barrels/day

0508 attempt to contain the ongoing spill with a containment structure fails due to interference by ice crystals

0515 researchers discover several giant oil plumes in the deep waters of the Gulf, one of which is ten miles long, three miles wide and 300 feet thick

0520 live video of the ongoing spill is posted; scientists estimate the flow at up to 100,000 barrels/day

0529 attempted "top kill" maneuver to plug the gusher fails

0601 oil reaches Mississippi and Alabama

0604 oil reaches Florida

0703 oil reaches Texas

0705 oil reaches Lake Pontchartrain

0506 abruptly plunges 998 points at 2:45 ET, then rises 633; buggy computer trading algorithms are blamed

0110 Republicans take to the airwaves to call for Harry Reid's resignation, arguing that if former majority leader Trent Lott had to step down for endorsing a segregationist presidential candidate, then surely the current majority leader should have to step down for suggesting that, given the state of American society even in 2008, light skin and a standard dialect might be helpful to the black presidential candidate he supported

0116 admits that its picture of an aged Osama bin Laden was created by crudely combining a picture of Osama with one of Spanish politican Gaspar Llamazares found on Google Images

0111 hires Sarah Palin

0330 announces that Palin will host a special featuring interviews with Jack Welch, Toby Keith, and LL Cool J, who complains that Fox News in repurposing an interview from 2008 without his permission

0331 Toby Keith's spokesperson adds that Keith has no idea what interview this is and has never sat down with Palin

0129 bails early on Barack Obama's televised meeting with House Republicans, so apparently it was going pretty well for the president

0210 sticks a copy of An Inconvenient Truth in a snowbank to illustrate that the arrival of a blizzard disproves global warming

0222 refers to J.D. Hayworth as a "former Arizona congresswoman"

0407 warns that the treaty between the U.S. and Russia to limit nuclear stockpiles may "leave the U.S. defenseless until it's too late," then cuts to footage of a mushroom cloud

0414 links Nuclear Security Summit logo to Islam because the stylized electron shell depicted is crescent-shaped... just like Muslim flags!!

0415 orders Sean Hannity back to his studio from Cincinnati where he was planning to hold his own teabagger rally

0511 reports that the new prime minister of the UK is Queen Elizabeth

0201 revealed by Greek Finance Ministry to have hidden previous administrations' violation of EU deficit rules using derivatives

0210 spams a British poll asking about a 0.05% tax on derivatives trading with thousands of fake No votes

0416 charged with fraud by the SEC for lying to investors about who selected which mortgage securities to include in an investment portfolio — it was actually a hedge fund betting against those securities

0427 Fabrice Tourre, charged in the scandal, testifies before Congress, in part about emails he wrote in which he: • admitted that "the fabulous Fab" created "all these complex, highly levered, exotic trades" "without necessarily understanding all the implications of those monstruosities [sic]" • described working in finance as "pure intellectual masturbation" and said that Goldman Sachs "created a 'thing', which has no purpose, which is absolutely conceptual and highly theoretical and which nobody knows how to price" • joked about selling the firm's designed-to-fail bonds "to widows and orphans that I ran into at the airport"

0504 fined $450,000 for naked short selling

0715 settles fraud case for $550m

0112 stops censoring Chinese search results in response to what it describes as a massive, coordinated cyber attack launched from China and aimed at human rights activists

0322 redirects google.cn visitors to google.com.hk in an attempt to evade Chinese censorship

0628 threatened with losing google.cn, stops the redirection, but puts nothing on google.cn but a huge hyperlink to google.com.hk

0709 is granted google.cn renewal

0209 unveils Google Buzz, an attempt to integrate social media with its email service, Gmail

0210 lambasted in the media upon the discovery that Google Buzz reveals a list of everyone a user emails to everyone that user emails

0211 belatedly adds an opt-out to Google Buzz

0623 wins in court when a federal judge strikes down Viacom's $1b suit against Google's Youtube service

0119 Republican Scott Brown wins the special election in Massachusetts to succeed Ted Kennedy in the U.S. Senate, dropping the Democratic caucus to 59 seats

0120 Barney Frank (D-MA) says that the health care reform process is dead in the aftermath of Brown's election; pundit Fred Barnes calls it "dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection"

0204 Anthem Blue Cross raises premiums 39%, raising an outcry and providing a talking point for those hoping to revive the push for health insurance reform

0224 Nancy Pelosi rejects Rahm Emanuel's call to give up on comprehensive reform and pass a few small bipartisan changes instead, calling it "Kiddie Care"

0225 Barack Obama convenes a bipartisan health care summit at which the Republicans all repeat the exact same phrase: the process must "start over" with "a clean sheet of paper"; Eric Cantor says the Senate bill can't pass in the house, a mantra Republicans, a few Democrats, and many pundits will repeat over the coming weeks

0303 Barack Obama kicks off a speaking tour on behalf of health care reform, along with a series of almost 100 conferences with individual House Democrats

0317 Dennis Kucinich announces that, after nearly a year of opposition, he will flip from a no vote to a yes vote; several others follow

0320 Bart Stupak, leader of the anti-abortion-rights Democrats holding out on passing the Senate version of the bill, agrees to a deal in which his concerns will be dealt with via executive order

0321 Republicans again repeat the exact same phrase to express their opposition to "this flawed health care bill," but the Senate health insurance reform bill passes the House 219-212

0323 Barack Obama signs the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act into law

0224 discontinued after eighteen years of symbolizing grotesque excess

0329 nine members charged with a plot to kill a police officer, then attack the funeral with homemade bombs, touching off a war in which they would eventually battle the Anti-Christ; seven of the anti-government rebels request public defenders

0406 launches a new meme with the video to the song "Miracles," in which the duo asks, in all seriousness, "Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?"

0211 sued for using the webcam in a student's school-issued laptop to secretly take photos of him in his home

0219 claims it has disabled the tracking software that allowed it to photograph high school students undressing in their bedrooms

0409 IT coordinator Carol Cafiero pleads the Fifth

0419 an investigation reveals that employees took 56,000 pictures of students in their homes without their consent

0602 a third perfect game in less than a month is ruined when, on the final out, the umpire calls the runner safe; after seeing on television how egregiously wrong the call was — in a replay that he was stupidly barred from consulting at the time — the umpire tearfully apologizes

0603 commissioner Bud Selig refuses to overturn the botched call, stating that while "there is no dispute that last night's game should have ended differently," and he has the power to fix it, he won't, because... he doesn't say

0110 announces that Jay Leno will be moved to his previous timeslot of 11:35 p.m., displacing The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

0122 pays O'Brien $45 million to leave after he rejects the move

0117 a man at a Scott Brown rally loudly proposes sodomizing Martha Coakley with a curling iron

0218 characterized by a Republican National Committee fundraising presentation as motivated by fear and ego, and likely to respond to a campaign based on hate and ridicule of Democrats

0319 call to "Break their windows. Break them NOW" issued by Mike Vanderboegh, an anti-government activist who lives on government disability checks; several Democratic legislators' offices are subsequently vandalized

0320 call John Lewis (D-GA) "nigger," call Barney Frank (D-MA) "faggot," and spit on Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO) as they walk into the Capitol

0324 a Harris Interactive poll (0301-0308, N=2320, MOE not provided) reveals: • 67% of Republicans say Barack Obama is a socialist • 57% say he is a Muslim • 51% say he wants to turn U.S. sovereignty over to a world government • 47% say he "resents America's heritage" • 45% say he was not born in the United States • 45% say he is a "domestic enemy" • 38% say he "is doing many of the things Hitler did" • 24% say he "may be the Anti-Christ"

0401 cheer and applaud after Sean Hannity admiringly refers to them as "Tim McVeigh wannabes"

0416 charges Goldman Sachs with fraud for lying to investors about who selected which mortgage securities to include in an investment portfolio — it was actually a hedge fund betting against those securities

0422 Republicans find an angle on the case: 31 of the roughly 4000 SEC employees downloaded porn during the 2008 economic collapse

0121 rules 5-4 in Citizens United v. FEC that corporations can pour unlimited amounts of money into political campaigns

0624 rules 6-3 in Skilling v. United States that the "honest services" statute cannot be used to prosecute political or corporate corruption unless outright bribery is involved

0224 kills Sea World trainer Dawn Brancheau after she brushes his face with her ponytail

0121 already having issued a recall due to floor mats trapping gas pedals, issues a second one due to gas pedals getting stuck mechanically, bringing the number of recalled vehicles to 9m

0203 U.S. transportation secretary Ray LaHood tells Congress that "if anybody owns one of these vehicles, stop driving it"

0208 announces a third recall to reprogram hybrid braking software

0210 governors of four states with Toyota plants write Congress a letter complaining of a conflict of interest in its investigations of Toyota since the U.S. Treasury owns competitor General Motors

0224 CEO Akio Toyoda apologizes at a congressional hearing

0416 recalls 600k Sienna minivans

0419 recalls 44k Toyota and Lexus SUVs

0428 recalls 50k Sequoias

0705 recalls 270k Crown and Lexus models

0420 Deepwater Horizon, owned by Transocean, explodes; see Deepwater Horizon

0422 pressures employees, confined to a hotel, into signing waivers to protect Transocean from future lawsuits

0118 revealed by an ABC News investigation to have stamped references to Bible verses onto the rifle scopes it supplies to U.S., Iraqi, and Afghan troops photo