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Hello, and welcome to a horrifically belated edition of the Lyttle Lytton Contest, presented 2½ months later than usual. I took a year off from my online projects to focus on making the transition to a day job more in line with my interests, such as those that led me to start this contest. I figured that if I was going to spend nineteen years over‑explaining jokes, I might as well get the taxpayers of the state of California to pay me to do it.
Anyway, I’m back, so with no further ado, I am pleased to finally present the winner of the 2019 Lyttle Lytton Contest:
“Are you okay?” asks my sister Tlaloc. “You’re as green as the parrots that inhabit this part of the continent.”
In some previous editions of the contest, bad similes like the one above have been featured in their own little section of maybe two or three entries, but for some reason a lot of this year’s stronger entries fell into this category. For instance:
Sally was fully prepared to slide down the water slide to impress Frank akin to how her eggs slid from her ovaries down her pubescent Fallopian tubes.
As the fireman entered the burning building, he felt a warm rush blow over him—like when you open the oven door and get that jet of warm air.
This one isn’t a simile, exactly, but it is a comparison, so we’ll throw it in here:
Braeden was more handsome than Philip the Handsome, the first Habsburg king of Castile, who ruled for two months before dying of typhoid fever.
Humph eyed the corpse, its face split in two in much the same way as the Brexit referendum had divided her native country in 2016.
“To be or not to be” is not the question when one is born onto the lowest rungs of society; one simply has the choice “not to be” thrust upon them like a dirty blanket.
Light flowed like butter into the morning windowpane.
Speaking of the morning light:
I woke, my nipples saluting the sultry 7 a.m. sunlight slinking through the blinds to splash across my pert breasts.
Moving from Booth and Chatman to Laura Mulvey:
Her perfectly formed breasts swayed soothingly as I (also a woman, this isn’t a “male gaze” thing) fell in love with them.
As for the female gaze:
Tiffany had always dreamed of attending the Gathering, but even as Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J stomped triumphantly onstage, she couldn’t take her eyes off Brian.
Truant children mocked Jack Tranton as he walked. He could have easily dispatched them with his military training. But he ignored them.
The canvasser at my doorstep was attractive, but not my type. I knew as soon as I saw her that she was the kind of leftist who felt her feelings were more important than any facts on the ground.
On the flip side of the political spectrum:
The POTUS (President of the United States), who was Bernie Sanders instead of Donald Trump, started his job for the day.
My hand swam into her cinereous hair, sexily greeting the greyish strands with innumerable fingers.
Here’s another entry that follows a long tradition:
Natalie, an atypical girl, sat reading “Beowulf” as her uneducated girl peers sniggered around her.
The shadowy figure stood alone in the rain on the street corner under the dim yellow streetlight, casting a long thin shadow down the alley perpendicular to him.
The dame’s hat lifted off by the wind and settled on the ground, revealing the head.
With my palm perfectly flat, her horse bit me anyway—any trust for the equine bolted in that moment as surely as it did with the carrot I’d hoped to win its own with.
If I’d have known then that it would be my own brother under the clown mask, under the phantom pirate mask, I never would’ve agreed to split up and check it out, not for a million Scooby Snacks.
Manfred, Freya the Viking goddess’s last raid’s 9-months-later surprise, cried for nursing. Meanwhile Blutdurst, the passionate and devoted battle-axe, urged for sharpening.
Finally, this last one I adore because (a) I don’t recall encountering this precise trick in a Lyttle Lytton entry before, and (b) even though it makes for an unpublishable sentence, I have nevertheless seen this happen in published works more than once!
This is the heart-warming story of Ella and how she accepts the tElla of God’s love, gets rMegannge on her school bullies and achiMegans success in life!
It was a soft gray night with a half-moon forming a perfect D in the sky. D for what, Alex wondered. Danger? Discovery? Or Disaster? Only time would tell.
Alex Rider: Stormbreaker
Papua New Guinea is so violent that more than 820 languages are spoken there.
“Ask E. Jean: My Husband Is Sleeping with My Mother”
The humble mouse has become an extension of our arms as we click fervently from one email to the next.
Baby Names That Are Actually Super Cute”
With her “yes”, Mary became the most influential woman in history. Without social networks, she became the first “influencer”: the “influencer” of God.
I am Barrister. Barr Johnson Mark a lawyer in Cotonou Benin Republic. Mr.Jorge., a gold merchant, who was my client died as a result of lung cancer. Now I want to present you as the next of kin.
Barrister. Barr Johnson Mark, apparently